When I think about this non-year, it seems to me that all my existential rivers led to one theme: TRUST. I trusted Eric and married him. Then a new, post-arrest Eric was presented to me. Between embracing insanity and distrust, my mind quickly shifted to distrust. My family failed and attacked me. More than that, it revealed a history of sabotage and attack. Again, between insanity and distrust, I chose distrust. People with ulterior motives shone like lamps everywhere. Distrust became first a weapon, then an automatic reaction. It makes the world greyer, but if the colors are illusions, what is the point of seeing them at all? Moreover, black and white don’t exist, just like left and right and so many other simplifications of the shallow human mind.
I live in OKC, I will try hard to remain here, most probably with a lower paying job than at some other part of the country, but that’s my choice. I like it here. I feel safer than at other places, where the borders of darkness are closer. To be less metaphoric, the farthest I am from South America, from Islamic immigrant communities, their intolerance, their dangerous hate religion and to things that remind me of my past, the better.
I chose this country against all odds, again. It seems that my whole life is an attempt to come back to the USA, where, as a child, I saw a glimpse of happiness. Always, some stronger force pushed me back to Brazil. Not this time. I have the right to actively choose and ask to be accepted by that country, where I can actually be a positive factor in social life. I was born in Brazil and like all births, it was an accident. I chose to be in the USA. I chose this country as my homeland and this is where I’m staying. Here, I can build a life for me. Here, I can build trust again. Here, I can seek light.
So I end this year with more Pink Floyd: instead of staring into the Abyss, this old friend, I am going to take a chance and stare right into the shining Sun. Coming back to life.